Sex is a pretty shrouded subject, wrapped tight like a Lazarus that should never wake from the dead. I wrote a blog post here on how we actually need to demystify sex so that people (especially toddlers and teenagers) would stop falling prey to sexual predators, I intend to expand on my reasons why in this post.
Personally I believed for a while, several myths about sex that I’d picked up from conversations from mates and bawdy strangers in car parks, and just anywhere sex can be talked about.
For instance, I honestly believed according to a male friend that men menstruate and it was the compilation that had to be ejaculated later (I was like 9 in this conversation), or they’ll experience intense pain at the base of their stomachs if they don’t have sex for a long time (and this is one of the most popular myth I’ve come across, from JSS class shit talks, to grown men teasing another who has stomach ache about the last time he got to “offload”.)
Another is that a woman’s monthly menstrual cramps would go away with just one thrust of the God given sceptre of Moses in that groin of a man.
Also was that the hymen grew back after years and so even if he did it once, (it would not happen again baby, I promise) the “packet” seal will grow back, in case we needed to show parents stained sheets on “our” wedding night. And most recently clarified myth(last year guys, last freaking year): blue balls do not actually mean his balls are about to rupture from intense pain.
And oh, there is the funny story of my lecturer who schooled in an all boys boarding house. His first time traveling home alone, a woman’s hands made contact with his, and he ran out screaming from the bus in fear, saying he has gotten her pregnant. That was what he was thought by his masters in secondary school: touch a woman and you get her pregnant.
There were certain points in my life I thought these things were true, and if I wasn’t defending my early blooming body with a scowl and caustic tongue for the best years of my teenage years, I might have fallen for one. And even as I was growing older if I didn’t educate myself, take special interest in sexual education or just be exposed to education, I might still have fallen prey. So when I see things like this…
I grow red in my head, because I understand how an informed person may approach sex. Just full of unconfirmed truths and reliance on the other person who is more often than not, more experienced, or just very confident in ignorance.
Now let’s talk about rape again? What do we define rape as? Simply sexual intercourse without consent. Now what is consent? a yes, a go ahead, a I-am-in-this-as-much-as-you-are. But is there really consent without information?
What is consent when it’s given on the premise of lies? Is that still willing, is that still a true unadulterated yes? And we can choose as a society to say: a person having sexual intercourse with another person who has expressed non-consent, have their decision bypassed by way of lies, or persistent pestering to obtain a yes is just scum behaviour, errr not really reprehensible…
But how come fraud is a crime. How come entering into a contract with misrepresentation vitiates that contract?
Is this a case of playing gamble with a particular population affected with this particular thing like we always do? Discouraging the sale of rape defense kits because they seem barbaric when we’re allowed to used barbed wires around the fences of properties for example? Anyways, I digress.
I will not be talking only from personal experience as a girl. Here’s some answer from other girls I asked this particular question:
“A man claimed he told a girl he’d have stomach pain if he didn’t have sex with her.” Now I want to know similar lies men have told girls (that you likely know, or you’ve heard about just to have sex with them.”
“He’d die”, bla bla. I am not really familiar with the lies they tell sha
Someone once told me that her boyfriend said that he doesn’t know how to show love and having sex is that only way he knows how to show that he truly loves her. I also heard the one about sex reduces menstrual cramps.
“Sex will help reduce body pains”
That he’ll just put the tip in. That it’s not sex
That If he holds his jizz for to too long he will not be okay.
Now these are downright ridiculous, and no sensible person should fall for that. But who was really actually sensible about sex in their early teens. I think we should thank integrated science, and biology teachers who couldn’t pronounce the word vagina without whispering. And that is even for the lucky ones that went to school; how about the people on the street without access to education. How about those whose sexual education was on the day of their first period, those whose mum told them “If you touch a penis, you will die”, and after a particularly enthusiastic volunteer allowed them a touch, they took their nth breath and continued life in sexual curiousity and naivety
Rape by deception is very much thing, see what section 357 of the Nigerian Criminal Code has to say:
Any person who has unlawful carnal knowledge of a woman or girl without her consent, or with her consent, if the consent is obtained by force or by means of threats or intimidation of any kind, or by fear of harm, *or by means of false and fraudulent representation as to the nature of the act*, or in the case of a married woman, by impersonating her husband, is guilty of an offence which is called rape.”
However, our culture is too weak to take sexual intercourse with flawed consent (in concise parlance RAPE) by the balls, and shove it on the shelves of crimes punishable by the law. You get to court and give that kinda testimony, watch out the court dissolves in laughter, the judge throwing out your case as a triviality.
One thing particularly baffles me, why do people want to have sex with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with you? Why? How does it sit well with you that this person I’m knocking boots would rather not be doing this, but thanks to my “sleekness” in ensuring my selfish desires are satisfied, we’re firing on? How? Beats me.
Understand something, if your partner has expressed by explicit words or actions that they are not down to having sex with you, or going on with sex with you ; just walk back, retreat, desist, don’t lie, don’t coerce, don’t pressure, just let it go and drink cold water.
For the girls, and ladies: when a guy tells you he has a medical situation that requires him finding solace in your vagina, please refer him to a doctor, regardless what Timi dakolo says, you are not a medicinal treatment for an asinine liar.
It’s understandable that rape by deception is going to be hard to prove especially in as the relations surrounding sex. And of course rape proceedings being more of a funnel for the criminal justice system rather than a system to protect the victims would likely not suffice. But it is necessary to appeal to morality of people.
Don’t have sex with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with you. Don’t repeatedly ask for what they’ve said they don’t want to do with you, and after several tries you go at least I got consent; you didn’t, you’re a coercive manipulator; you should be ashamed of your actions and change.
By the way, there is nothing like sex without consent, or with misinformed or coerced consent. The word you are looking for is rape.
Thanks for inspiring the post buddy.